I didn't used to be jealous

A very long time ago...

I was not jealous, I'm talking about 10 years ago or even more...but somehow my self-image was degrading to what we can (or cannot) see today.

I was cheated on so many times, with my friends, with THEIR friends.

I didn't worry about us before that stupid day where you made stupid decisions while being drunk, why would 3 grown lesbians want to sleep in the same bed? . Worse (for me) why would you want to sleep next to her?, I'm sorry I'm not buying it.

That triggered a memory of a story where my BFF was in the same situation, and later on she realized she was being cheated. Also the fact that I was cheated on during a trip with one of my exes and her friends.


One could think that my past relationship should have worked those issues off, as she was the only one who didn't cheated on me, and to be quite honest tried to help me out of that hole with care and reassuring.

However I can't seem to find this on my current relation, the fact that she is still friends with all of the girls she got with ex-post and also that they want to come and visit her makes me uncomfortable. The fact that I told her how weird it was that she got so close with my friend's girlfriend and that in fact she is the one she wanted to sleep next to on our trip.

I know and please, believe me that I know that I'm the only one for her, but since I'm an ass and also very childish and insecure...I really pisses me off the fact that this person sends her gifts and that they get so friendly that us (my friend and I) get left out.

Does it make any sense?, why am I like this?, my GF is not having a good time with my feelings and I'm trying to be honest and say "Hey , this is weird and I feel bad, and I'm really sorry to make you feel bad, but can you help to get rid of these feelings?".

I know it makes her feel bad, and when I'm saying: dude, can you please comfort me, she get's mega upset (as I would) but she gets defensive and the struggle gets real.

I got to the conclusion that I'm an attention whore and she's not having it. When we first started she made me feel so special and important in her life. Now time has passed and I feel left out.

(also it didn't helped the fact that she held info tho)

Thus began the spring of break-ups (allegedly)